ALLENTOWN, Pa. — "There’s a phrase that we use in this business, which is: Everyone knows someone," said Panayiota Papadopoulos, training and education advocate at Turning Point of Lehigh Valley.
As Domestic Violence Awareness Month begins, local advocates are urging the public to recognize the early red flags of domestic violence and intimate partner violence.
Papadopoulos works with survivors as part of her work at Turning Point, and she also speaks at community events about how to spot the signs of abuse.
"Abuse can show up in a lot of different ways," said Papadopoulos. "Whether that be financial abuse, digital control, or stalking."
Domestic Violence vs. Intimate Partner Violence: What's the Difference?
Recognizing those signs starts with understanding the language advocates use, and two terms that often get blurred together.
"The difference really comes down to who is involved in the violence that is occurring," explained Emily Grigonis, executive director of Crime Victims Council of the Lehigh Valley. "Domestic violence is typically used as a more general umbrella term, while intimate partner violence defines a more specific subset."
Though the terms are often used interchangeably, Grigonis said they carry distinct legal and support meanings.
Domestic violence covers abuse within any household or family relationship. That includes a current or former spouse or partner, someone who shares a home or a child with the survivor, or any relative by blood or marriage, from parents and siblings to cousins and in-laws.
Intimate partner violence is narrower: abuse between current or former romantic partners, whether married, dating or cohabitating.
That distinction can affect which services a survivor can access, Papadopoulos said, but the label matters less than the behavior.
"Not all forms of abuse will show up as violence, and any type of abuse or violence is never OK," she said.
According to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, millions of people across the country experience intimate partner violence every year, including physical abuse, contact sexual violence or stalking.
A Pattern of Power and Control
Both forms of abuse come down to "a pattern of coercive, intentional behaviors that are designed to gain or maintain power and control over the survivor," Papadopoulos said.
That control can be physical or sexual, but it can also look like isolating someone from friends and family, controlling their finances, emotional abuse, manipulation, threats, intimidation, or denying and minimizing the abuse.
Research from the National Network to End Domestic Violence shows financial control is present in nearly 99% of domestic abuse cases.
"Abuse will unfortunately typically escalate over time," Papadopoulos said.
Abuse Doesn't Discriminate, but Stigma Keeps Many Silent
Abuse affects all genders, but male victims face societal stigmas that frequently keep them from coming forward, data show.
More than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 6 men in the U.S. have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
About 1 in 3 teens experiences physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, according to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. Rates are higher still among transgender people: More than half of respondents to the 2015 U.S. Transgender Survey reported experiencing intimate partner violence.
"Stereotypical ideas around femininity and masculinity feed the idea that men are always the aggressor," Grigonis said. "These ideas not only make it difficult for men to come forward, but they also do not allow for recognition of abuse in LGBTQIA+ relationships."
Papadopoulos said many resources are geared specifically toward women, and men often fear they won't be believed or will be mocked, especially by other men.
"Unfortunately, due to societal stereotypes, people often downplay or dismiss male survivor experiences, which can make it that much more daunting for men to reach out and know who they can trust," she said.
Cultural attitudes create barriers for survivors of every gender, she added.
"Common cultural perspectives such as, 'Abuse is a family issue. We shouldn't air our dirty laundry in public,' make it difficult for all survivors to report, and further increase the shame, guilt and isolation that a survivor may experience," Papadopoulos said.
Turning Point serves survivors of all genders, she said.
Early Warning Signs
"Abusers are often charming and can seem like the perfect partner at first, both to the person they're dating and to others around them," Papadopoulos said. "That makes early signs easy to miss."
She pointed to three to watch for:
Pace: "An abusive partner may rush the relationship, saying "I love you" very early, insisting the other person is unlike anyone else or the only one they can trust, and demanding more and more time together in a way that pulls the person away from hobbies, friends and family,' said Papadopoulos.
Lack of accountability: "Abusive partners often blame others for their actions," said Papadopoulos. "Listen to what they say about their past relationships, their dynamics with coworkers, or how they engage with and speak about the other people in their life."
Disregard for boundaries: "A partner who dismisses boundaries, pressures someone to stay longer or do more, or won't take no for an answer is raising a red flag," said Papadopoulos.
A healthy partner, she said, puts in mutual effort, takes responsibility and can be trusted to be respectful, honest and kind, even during conflict.
How Friends and Family Can Help
Stepping in isn't always safe, Papadopoulos said, because an abuser may retaliate if they find out. She recommends speaking with the survivor privately, sharing concerns about the relationship, offering resources and listening without judgment.
"At the end of the day, we have to respect what the survivor wants and needs, because they know their situation best," she said. "We want to empower survivors to regain control of their lives, and not try to rescue them."
Seeking a Protection From Abuse Order
In Pennsylvania, survivors can seek legal protection through a Protection From Abuse order. The process varies by county, but typically begins at the PFA office of the county courthouse during business hours. After hours, an emergency order is available through the local magisterial district judge's office.
"The person filing explains why they fear physical harm and what incidents led them to seek protection, then appears before a judge, who may ask clarifying questions. If the judge grants the request, a temporary PFA order provides legal protection until a final hearing," said Papadopoulos.
The abuser is then notified and a final hearing is scheduled. At that hearing, the abuser can accept the order as written or request a full hearing where both sides present their case. A judge can grant a final PFA order for up to three years.
Turning Point has offices in the Lehigh and Northampton county courthouses, and its 24-hour helpline, 610-437-3369, can guide survivors through the process and answer questions.
Connect with the Crime Victims Council of the Lehigh Valley here.
Turning Point of Lehigh Valley will host its free annual Evening of Unity at 5 p.m. Thursday, Oct. 15, at Penn State Lehigh Valley, honoring survivors and those lost to domestic violence, with a livestream on the organization's Facebook and YouTube pages.
A recent episode of our Common Threads women's issues podcast focused on domestic violence and intimate partner violence. Click here to listen to the full conversation.